Youko Tails II: Hey, If the Shoe Fits . . .
by Take
Summary: Shonen ai; K/H; The second in my twisted fairy tails series (guest appearances by the Incarnations of Immortality by Piers Anthony) C & C's welcome


*Disclaimers: Neither YYH nor the Incarnations of Immortality series are mine.*  
  
**Yaoi, some vaguely sacrilegious stuff**  
  
  
  
Two figures sat facing each other, hunched over a chessboard. One sucked furiously at his stone pacifier as he moved his rook.  
  
His opponent smirked, the tip of his pointed tail lashing to and fro. With a flourish, he set his black queen down, the beautiful game piece settling onto the board with a 'click'. "Muwahahahaha! Checkmate."  
  
Koenma smacked himself on the forehead. "Doh!"  
  
The Incarnation of Evil grinned, twirling his moustache rakishly. "So, how shall we settle up?"  
  
Koenma fiddled nervously with the edge of his cape. Of all the stupid things to get suckered into! He should have known better than to make a deal with the Devil - look at all the hot water his father got into! But did he listen to his own advice? Oh, no. And now look.  
  
Satan waved his forked staff in front of the Japanese God's eyes. "Hello? Koenma?"  
  
Koenma sighed. "Fine. What do you want?"  
  
The Lord of the Flies thought a moment. "Well, I have been bored lately. Give me a couple of suck - er -mortal! lives to fiddle around with." Seeing the uneasy look on Koenma's face, Satan hastily reassured the deity. "Don't worry. I won't try to corrupt them and use them to bring about a faster end to mankind, etcetera, etcetera. I'll just . . . mess around with their lives a little."  
  
  
  
"Oh, is that all? Okay." Koenma gave a sigh of relief. "And here I thought you wanted something big, like tickets to the next Bujuutsukai." A light bulb went off. "How about my future Reikai Tantei? A little payback in advance for all the headaches they're gonna cause me. I get no respect."  
  
"Deal." The two shook hands, sealing the agreement.  
  
The simultaneous beeping of their pagers made them jump. Koenma looked ruefully at Satan. "Our work is never done."  
  
"What is it this time?" asked the Devil.  
  
"It seems that Nature is pissed."  
  
"Ah. In that case, I'd better go see what my wife is up to." As he showed Koenma out the door, Satan turned to his Japanese companion. "You're always welcome here at Hell's Acres. You should bring Botan with you next time you visit. She needs a vacation."  
  
Koenma nodded. "I will, arigatou. By the way," he threw over his shoulder as he walked out the door, "Don't screw around too much with my Tanteis' minds. Hiei doesn't like to wear white."  
  
  
  
Hey, If the Shoe Fits . . . Oops! Wrong Foot  
  
Take (July 1998)  
  
  
  
Hiei, the short (tempered) Koorime fire demon with a foul disposition, had definitely gotten the short end of the stick. His life, in a nutshell, sucked. After being thrown off the floating island of the Koorime, he had taken several odd jobs, all of which ended with disastrous results.  
  
First, there was the job as the Olympic torch lighter. Since it WAS Hiei's first job, it's understandable that he got a little - over-enthusiastic. Fried torch bearer, anyone?  
  
The job as a forest ranger didn't work out, either. Smoky the bear ended up firing HIM.  
  
Fire and water don't really mix. Also, lifeguarding isn't a good idea when you can't swim.  
  
Then there was the time Hiei worked at an anger management hotline . . .  
  
Currently, Hiei was employed as a handyman for Mukuro. It wasn't as bad as some of his previous stints, and it helped that it wasn't a job requirement to be - yech - NICE to anyone.  
  
  
  
Hiei popped his head into the hallway, disturbed by the persistent knocking at the huge doors of Mukuro's castle. Grumbling, he stalked towards the entrance muttering highly uncomplimentary things about a certain Makai witch who seemed to be spending an ungodly amount of time in her laboratory, and about her stupid butler with the piercing fetish.  
  
"Hiei? Can you get that?" Shigure called from somewhere deeper within. "I just got another part pierced, and it's making walking a little painful."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Hn. Baka," Hiei groused as he yanked open the front door. "Nanda."  
  
  
  
The slim redhead blinked. "You're the weirdest looking butler I've seen yet." He gave Hiei an assessing glance from head to toe, craning his neck to peer around the grouchy youkai. "Nice butt, though."  
  
"Who asked you?" retorted Hiei. "And I'm not the butler. THAT fool just had his left nut pierced. I'm just the handyman."  
  
"Really."  
  
"Did you want something, woman?" Hiei snapped, trying to look intimidating, something rather difficult to do when he was holding a toilet scrubber in one hand.  
  
The redhead stamped her - his? foot, a scowl etched on the delicate features. "I'm not a woman! Why does everyone think I am?!"  
  
(In his office deep within the fiery pits of Hell, Satan chuckled evilly. "Oh gee, I dunno . . . ")  
  
Hiei regarded the young - man - suspiciously. "Okay, so why're you here?"  
  
The red head fished around in his pocket, coming up with an orb. He held it out to Hiei saying, "This is for Mukuro from Yomi. He wants to meet with her as soon as possible. They're in charge of entertainment at the annual masquerade, 'cos Yuusuke's doing the food - he's the best cook out of the three." He smiled, a glint in his eye. "Hope to see you there, cutie."  
  
Hiei snorted as he watched the retreating redhead. "Hn. I doubt it." Orb in one hand and toilet scrubber in the other, the handyman went in search of his current boss.  
  
* * *  
  
Nature walked up to Evil. "What are you laughing about? You know it makes the other Incarnations nervous when you do that."  
  
Satan pulled his wife into his arms. "Remember that game of chess I beat Koenma at a few decades or so back?" At Gaea's nod, he continued, "Well, as payment, I was allowed to manipulate a few souls for my enjoyment. I HAVE held the Evil office for seven centuries, and I've pretty much run out of interesting pastimes."  
  
Gaea leveled a LOOK at her husband. "That's cruel, dear." She paused. "Then again, this IS you we're talking about."  
  
The Incarnation of Evil kissed his wife softly. "I was thinking . . . would you like to attend the Makai Masquerade this year?"  
  
"What would we go as?"  
  
Satan pulled out his working 'suit', complete with horns, tail, and forked staff. "How about Evil and Nature?" Gaea rolled her eyes. "Hey," he protested, "It came with the job. It's not my fault mortals perceive my 'official' look to be a meld of a goat and a ratty, sunburned man with a pitchfork." He saw that Gaea looked torn. "We're due for a vacation anyway, love."  
  
Nature smiled. "Those two would make a nice couple, don't you think?"  
  
Satan returned the expression. "I couldn't agree with you more . . . at least now we've got a good reason to go . . . just in case the other Incarnations accuse us of slacking."  
  
"Matchmaker."  
  
* * *  
  
Hiei scowled at the tiny youkai outside of Mukuro's lab. "I have a message from Yomi."  
  
The youkai gave him an indifferent glance. "Your point being? The bi - uh - WITCH left orders not to be disturbed. Said something about creating a beauty potion."  
  
The fire demon snorted. "She just doesn't want to go as the Phantom of the Opera again."  
  
"I heard that," Mukuro called from within her lab. "You need to learn some respect, fire brat."  
  
Hiei pushed open the laboratory door and entered swiftly. "You can't lay a finger on me," he retorted, "Not if you want modern facilities." The toilet scrubber waved in the air, emphasizing his point. "Anyway, here," he said, tossing Yomi's message to Mukuro, who deftly caught it, years of playing on the Makai softball team paying off.  
  
The she-youkai shattered the orb against a wall, watching as the substance inside formed Yomi's six-eared image.  
  
"Mukuro." The blind youkai nodded once in greeting. "The annual Makai Masquerade is coming up. Yuusuke volunteered to cook . . . "  
  
Mukuro's scarred features looked glum. "Ramen again, na?"  
  
"Aa." Yomi looked pained. "I had noodles pouring out of my ears last year. Yuusuke should learn to cook something else."  
  
"What are we in charge of? Drinks?"  
  
"Iya. Chuu's bringing that. He said something about his 'secret cache'."  
  
"Oh. That means . . . "  
  
"Aa. We're stuck with the entertainment again." Yomi winced, remembering the previous year's events. "This year, no 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey'. It's all well and good for youkai who can see to get out of the pinner's way, but I've already got one asshole to go with my six ears, and I'd like to keep it that way." The sightless head tilted to one side, listening to someone out of the picture. "I'll talk to you later, Mukuro. People to torture, youkai to kill, you know." The image on the wall faded and disappeared.  
  
Mukuro turned to her handyman, who had been curiously exploring her lab and its equipment. "Are you sure you don't want to go this year, Hiei?"  
  
Hiei shrugged. "Parties aren't really my thing," he said, giving the understatement of the century. "Besides," he muttered under his breath, "You'll probably find work for me to do AT the damned thing."  
  
"Well, think about it. Yuusuke always cooks plenty of . . . food."  
  
As Hiei wandered back to resume scrubbing the toilets, he wondered briefly why everybody seemed determined to get him to go to the stupid masquerade.  
  
  
  
The night of the masquerade found Hiei practicing his aim while lighting the torches along the main hall of Mukuro's stronghold. Lifting his hand, tiny Kokuryuuha's shot towards his intended targets, lighting the area in eerie black flame for an effect that was altogether intimidating.  
  
The door to Mukuro's bedchamber suddenly swung open, revealing the orange- haired woman in an ostentatious ballgown. "What do you think?" she asked Hiei, turning around to model her outfit.  
  
"Who're you supposed to be?" the fire demon asked.  
  
"Snow White - the most beautiful woman in ningen fairy tales."  
  
". . . " Tactfully, Hiei kept silent for once. It was not prudent to piss off one's employer, especially when said employer was an S-class youkai.  
  
Mukuro checked her appearance in a mirror once more. "Since you're not going could you do a few things, Hiei?"  
  
The Koorime shrugged. He wasn't planning on going anywhere anytime soon.  
  
"Good." Mukuro pulled out a list of things to do and handed it to Hiei. "I've got to get going. I don't trust Yomi to set up the piñata by himself." In a flurry of skirts and petticoats, the Makai lord swept out of the hall.  
  
Left to his own devices, Hiei checked the list. "Hn. Clean chimneys. Dammit, just because I'm small . . ."  
  
  
  
Satan looked down from his mansion in Purgatory, zeroing in on the disgruntled figure below. "Hiei," he boomed, "This is the voice of Satan. Heed my call o servant of Evil!"  
  
Hiei sweatdropped. "Could you possibly get any more corny?" he growled.  
  
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then came the indignant reply, "Hey! At least I didn't say, oh, 'Hiei, doer of dirty dastardly deeds, thy lord and master summons thee! Take heed of my words, foul villain of vileness!"  
  
"You have a point," Hiei mumbled. A thought occurred. "Wait a minute. What happened to God?"  
  
"She's busy with the shipment of redeemed souls I sent up this morning, so you'll have to settle for Me."  
  
"Oh. Okay."  
  
"I digress! I have an unholy message for you, Hiei. You are to attend the masquerade tonight. Power and wealth beyond compare shall be yours if you obey Me!"  
  
"If it means 'socializing', I'll stick to sweeping the chimney."  
  
"Hiei! I'm ordering you! Or you shall suffer eternal damnation in the fiery pits of Hell!"  
  
"Hn. Been there, done that."  
  
"Little bastard! If you don't go to the masquerade, Gaea will send you your own personal snow cloud - one that will follow you wherever you go." As if sensing Hiei's wavering resolve, Satan pressed his advantage. "Just think of being forever cold and damp, with a red, runny nose to light your way."  
  
Hiei had paled considerably at the Incarnation's words. The scenario presented did not sound like a pleasing future, though he could probably get a job as Rudolph at Christmas . . . he'd even be able to provide the snow! "Fine. I'll go to the stupid party, but only until midnight. Unlike SOME Incarnations, I don't have very good job security."  
  
"Midnight is fine," came the rejoinder. "I didn't think you could stand more than a few hours anyhow. Tolerance has to be built up slowly."  
  
"Tolerance or torture?" Hiei said as he stalked off to find something to wear.  
  
"The lesson in patience is good for the soul," Satan said impiously.  
  
"&$^# %!@."  
  
  
  
********************  
  
"Ow! Dammit!" Yomi's pained cry made the other guests snicker as they watched the blind youkai backing away from the blindfolded player's wild swings at the piñata booth.  
  
Mukuro sighed, hands on her hips. "I knew the piñata wasn't a good idea." She glanced at the attractive redhead standing next to her. "I don't suppose you know where Yomi got *that* idea from, do you, Kurama?"  
  
The redheaded Kurama, whose name just happened to translate into 'VERY horny fox', grinned innocently and took a sip of water, not trusting the other drinks. Youkai sometimes had odd tastes in food and beverages. "I haven't the slightest idea, Lady Mukuro." A choking noise drew his attention. "Would you excuse me please?" he bowed smoothly, "It seems that we've had another fatality at the bobbing-for-apples-in-cyanide booth."  
  
Adjusting her eyepiece, Mukuro observed the crowd before her, noticing the Reikai's prince standing in a corner looking suspiciously at the punch in his cup. "Koenma," she greeted, moving towards him, "You're a long way from home."  
  
The godling smiled slightly. "I was told that an old . . . friend . . . of mine would be attending with His wife. Just what's in this stuff, anyway?" He peered into the murky depths of his cup, recoiling when it bubbled.  
  
"I haven't the faintest idea. Chuu's been in charge of the drinks for the past few years - you should try his Suicides - but there are always a few rascals who spike the drinks." Mukuro watched as the brew in Koenma's hand released a few more bubbles. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that drink is alive." A shriek cut her off, snapping their heads around just in time to see a long slimy tentacle suddenly reach out of one of the punch bowls and snatch an unsuspecting passer-by. The hapless demon was dragged into the bowl, defying all the known laws of physics. Koenma suddenly looked green. "Definitely spiked," mused Mukuro.  
  
  
  
Satan spotted his rather ill colored friend and gently guided his wife in his direction. "Greetings Koenma!" he said heartily.  
  
The godling smiled in relief. "Satan, Gaea!"  
  
After the expected niceties had been exchanged, Satan clapped a cheerful hand on Koenma's shoulder. "So, are you ready to finally settle our bet?"  
  
The Reikai prince spluttered. "HERE? NOW?!" He glanced about furtively. "Are You INSANE?! If my Tantei ever got wind of this, it won't matter that we're deities!"  
  
"Aw, you're no fun, Koenma! Lighten up a little. This will be amusing." Satan located Kurama in the crowd, his flame-colored locks standing out like a beacon. He checked his watch. "Hmm . . . I'd say its time for our other vic - er, pawn? to appear."  
  
Just then, the doors of the palace flew open to reveal - a neon purple rabbit?!  
  
"Wah!" Koenma facefaulted. "This is too much!" he growled up at Satan. "Hiei will make barbecued godling out of me for this."  
  
"Hmm . . . it seems I miscalculated when I placed that costume order," Satan mused, stroking his bearded chin thoughtfully. "It was supposed to be a neon PINK bunny suit. Oh well," he shrugged, "I'm adaptable."  
  
The two conspirators watched in dismay as the bunny looked around, then turned to - hop - out the door. "Where's he going?" Koenma wailed as the clock began to strike midnight.  
  
"Quick!" Satan hissed. "We've got to stop him. That little pus thinks he's pretty smart, showing up and leaving. Well, I'm not through with him yet! I have to give him a happy ending, or my wife will give me the LOOK."  
  
Koenma paled. "Let's get him," he said. Botan had given him the LOOK, and he'd seen greater men (like Yuusuke) tremble in fear when faced with that awful expression. He and Satan circled around the pissed off bunny, clutching blunt objects, waiting in the shadows.  
  
"Stupid mother-" THUNK! Hiei slid to the floor unconscious, purple bunny ears drooping.  
  
"C'mon!" Satan took Hiei's upper half, indicating that Koenma should take up the fire bunny's paws.  
  
"This is a crappy idea," Koenma puffed as they hustled Hiei down a hall to the bathroom.  
  
"Hey, what do you think I am, the Love Connection? I BREAK matches, I don't MAKE 'em! Here, get the door, will you?" Satan panted as they dragged the KO'd Hiei into the restroom. They put him in a corner, arranging him so that he seemed to be sleeping. Satan considered him. "Hmm . . . brat looks almost angelic. Now we need Kurama in here." Grabbing Koenma's arm, he went in search of the redhead.  
  
  
  
Kurama, in the meantime, had plans of his own. Having drank too much, the kitsune was now feeling . . . nature's call. Deftly winding his way around the other guests, he entered the restroom, stopping in surprise as he spied the unconscious Hiei. "Hello, what have we here?"  
  
Five minutes later, the redhead exited the bathroom, a neon purple bundle in his arms. He made his way to his bedchambers, where he proceeded to revive the fire demon in a most interesting and creative manner, leaving only a purple bunny paw in his wake.  
  
  
  
"Where is he?" Satan looked about frantically. Hiei wouldn't be out for much longer, and Kurama was nowhere to be found. Across the room, Koenma caught his eye, shrugging and shaking his head negatively. "Damn!" he swore.  
  
"Looking for someone?" Mukuro's voice came from behind him.  
  
"As a matter of fact, I was looking for Kurama," Satan replied. "Have you seen him?"  
  
The orange-haired Snow-White considered the question. "I think I saw him going up to his room," she said finally. "I don't think-" she stopped as she realized that she was talking to air. "I don't think he was alone," she finished. "Ah, He'll find out soon enough," she murmured philosophically.  
  
Satan strode down the corridor full of bedchamber doors, Koenma in tow. "Aha! Here it is!" He crowed. He used His unholy powers to unlock the door. Pushing it open, he stepped in - and stopped short, his jaw unhinging.  
  
Kurama looked up from beneath the pile of bedclothes, his expression inquiring, flaming hair tumbling down his bare back. Beneath him, a pair of narrowed crimson eyes regarded the stunned duo from under spiky bangs. The garish neon bunny suit was draped haphazardly over a chair, along with Kurama's sash. Satan's mouth moved but no sound emerged. Behind him, Koenma could be heard emitting strangled noises. "Ah, we'll be leaving now," Satan said weakly, finally managing to get over his shock. "Sorry for the intrusion." He walked with a dignified air out the door, shutting it quietly behind Koenma.  
  
"Do you think its love?" Koenma finally asked, recovering from his shock.  
  
Satan grinned, throwing an arm about his friend's shoulders, steering him back to the party. "Well, if it's not, I'll settle for lust at first sight." An evil thought crossed his mind. "I wonder if they'd want kids . . ."  
  
  
  
Kurama grinned as he stroked the contours of Hiei's chest. "I knew you had a great butt. By the way, I'm Kurama."  
  
Hiei raised his eyebrows (and something else . . . nevermind). "'Very horny fox'?" he translated.  
  
The redhead lowered his chest to Hiei's, his expression impish. "I like the dictionary's definition better: 'Kitsune, able to incite many pleasurable sensations'," he quoted, doing just that.  
  
  
  
And so it was that Hiei took up employment with Kurama as his . . . well, let's just say that life was definitely looking 'up'.  
  
The End^_^ 


End file.
